Once Upon a Real Life

Waking up. Longing. Missing. The kind of love you only see in movies—Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, The Holiday. True love, tangled with the terrifying realization that I’m growing up.

I love myself. I love my life. Friends. Family and everything in between. Yet i'm terrified of the not really knowing how things are going to end up. Missing my family being homesick and homesick for my childhood and the scary feeling of knowing that someday my parents won’t be around.

But what is happening in the present is what will be forever, forever, and the next chapters are building right now. Being in love. Being in my 20s and that reminder that I still am young and there's no need to rush. However, I feel nowadays there's a yearning to grow up faster, why? I mean when I was younger I had always dreamed of being a big kid. Of being a princess and living a fairytale of which I thought adult life would be. But in a way it is. There is freedom, so many choices that at times I find it overwhelming. What path, or fork in the road will be next. What if I made the wrong choice? But, what I find looking back on the past is that, all the choices and forks in the road were absolutely necessary. Fate, destiny, whatever is meant to be will be and is.

Like anything in life nothing is perfect. But, If I told my younger self about who she was to become she would be so proud. Living in sydney in paris, around the states and inbetween. At times in between it felt like the most stressful moments of my life, but also the best and shining and loving moments I hold close to my heart. It makes sense what I am doing in life now but telling my younger self that I’m building something in the tech world? Where do I even begin?

Now when it comes to love, having someone you feel like home has truly touched my heart, and it holds that realization that when you know you know, The understanding that home doesn’t have to just be a place but it can also be a living person. Like I said before, though nothing is always a fairytale, a la la land cut out or white picket fence. It is a gift.

For example today I woke up extremely sad, but sad in Paris at least. I have just been with friends, some old, some new pretty much everyday at some point. It has been both tiring and amazing fun. But I woke up after four days of being with people, coming off of a week long conference and illness. I had a super scary feeling of not knowing where things are going with anything, fully or clearly. Not being able to see the future or even predict is daunting but that’s the beauty right.

 To dream, to hope to romanticize.

But, it brings me to tears in fear sometimes, not knowing when i'll be proposed to. Have kids, what my job situation looks like because of my company for pediatrics, the fact my parents don't know I took a leap of faith and am setting my roots – my life, my future up in paris. I have been doing all the ins and outs of solidifying forever. 

I’m terrified, excited and absolutely thrilled to be terrified. I miss my mom, my dad and worried what it will be like when they’re gone but then I remember someday I will be a mother too. I hope to either have two girls, or a girl and a boy. 

I'm excited for the next chapters to see it unfold but while it's unfolding around you I think it’s hard to ground yourself– for me at least. Maybe I have some clinical anxiety, maybe im just tired after having bad sleep for awhile or feeling the weight of financially seeing the path to freedom. To an IPO futuristic and digesting the steps to getting there. I worry about my student loans being paid off starting in July, and the person I love not being in paris right now and being far away, attachment? No I’d just say missing that feeling of home knowing they’re near. 

I’m so sad but also enlightened by writing this I suppose. Because like every fairytale there are bumps in the road. For Cinderella, for Snow White, for Ariel, for any princess for that matter. But, there's always a happy ending and I know I’ll see and live mine through as well. 

I mean damn, one was poisoned by her own step mother, talk about needing heavy duty therapy. Or maybe riding off into the sunset with a hot man, her prince – works too. I’m not saying men fix everything. But, If she felt that feeling of him (a person) being her home then fair enough. Now take Cinderella. Cinderella broke her back working for her family. Ariel left home without telling her dad because she found love, and lost her voice in the process.

Wait. Am I Ariel?

I left home without telling anyone. I live in Paris. I’m building my future. I don’t really have a voice sometimes (at least not in French). If something’s happening in French, I often don’t have the slightest clue what’s being said. I actually wouldn’t say often, I’d say never. 

My French, well; that’s a working progress. Although I’m not sure duolingo is really going to make me fluent. I need preschool level help. Anyways you get the point they went through some hard shit for love, for their future and in the end it all turns out okay. 

Ariel's mom also died as well, Cinderella in the second one goes back in time and relives her life in the attic and on the floor cleaning, but she makes it home anyways. From Disney Pixar these stories are everywhere. Trial, Triumph and tribulation, but love.

Shrek and fiona almost broke up forever when he thought he heard her talking bad about him. But he came back anyways, with a little encouragement from Donkey. And I quote

Donkey:

You love this woman don't ya?

Shrek:

Yes.

Donkey:

Do you wanna hold her?

Shrek:

Yes.

Donkey:

Please her?

Shrek:

Yes.

Donkey:

Then ya gotta gotta try a little TENDERNESS! Chicks dig that romantic crap.

Then later on,  “Fiona I love you” “you do?” “really really” and he really really he did. He almost died for her via dragon, so obviously Fiona.

My point is In the end there’s always a sunset even with fear or fire. I really really love the life I’m building and the people who are on the journey with me. 

I may not be financially free or have a solid plan but I am being strategic. I’m building, fighting fire with fire. I’m growing. Learning. Falling and getting back up.

How? With fear but with hunger and a belief in the future, in the sunset and my very prince looking like a french man, and company that I love with a mission I care deeply about. I am also lucky to have a family that is so amazing and let me be limitless when it comes to dreams.

My parents love me endlessly. So If they find out I’m in Paris, I hope they’ll release me with love—like Ariel’s father did. 

So the path may feel unclear but I’m just getting started. And for everyone out there just know that you’re one step closer towards your sunset and your happily ever after. 

The end 

(Until next week) (I feel like “The End” would be appropriate as I just referred to life as a fairy tale…)